Friday, August 2, 2013

So maybe this isn't so bad.

I sometimes wish I took more time to blog. But then, I wouldn't have as much time to cook. Or sleep. So you can see how it falls down the priority list. Maybe if it was my job, but whatever. I'm never going to be THAT dedicated.

That said, I've been meaning to blog for a long time. Blog posts often form in my mind as I wash dishes. And heaven knows, I do a LOT of dishes. My latest and most important update post was going to be about how I was trying GAPS again. Mostly. And was. I've eaten some buckwheat and quinoa bread lately, and I actually feel better with it. So that wagon has kind of sailed.

It's not a willpower thing though. It's a migraine thing. I don't know if my hormones have decided to run amok, or what in the world is going on, but I have NEVER had this many migraines. I thought maybe it was a magnesium thing, so I took more magnesium. After a few days, I felt weird, and I had more migraines. So I tried zinc. Then calcium with some mag. Then none of the above because of the citrate content. This belongs in a separate blog post. I'll get around to that eventually.


So the moral of the story is that I've been feeling like crap, just a different kind of crap from before. Gotta love variety.

I've had a lot of down days, when I'm just so damn frustrated that I can't figure this out. That what seems to work for other people is totally useless for me. That I'm always seeming to miss that one piece of the puzzle that would make me feel human again.

And on top of it all, I'm just plain tired. Of being tired. And spacey.

Things have gotten slightly better since I started taking some l-glutamine. It's been on the shelf in my ever-filling-with-useless-crap supplement cabinet for probably a couple years now, but I was always hesistant to take it while I was breastfeeding. I know it's just an amino acid, but still. I'm paranoid.

So things have looked up a little bit. I'm still having some blood sugar issues that seem to feed into the migraine issues (or vice versa?) and singlehandedly keeping my chiropractor in business. But I don't feel quite so tired. Maybe more like a normal person when they are hungover instead of someone in a coma.

That said, the point of this post is that things aren't really so bad. Yes, I'm still sick and tired. Yes, I have to cook ALL. THE. TIME. and I have no social life and no time to pursue the things I really enjoy. Yes, I would love to travel, learn new things, see faraway friends, go out for a cup of coffee.

But my genetically-linked disease is not spina bifida. Nor is it Batten Disease. SB is potentially terrible, and BD is a worst nightmare scenario. Both of these have recently entered the lives of friends.

This might not make a lot of sense, but I'll attempt to describe this accurately... It's hard to have perspective when your day-in-day-out reality of just surviving the exhaustion and pain clouds your view. When I hear of friends going through such awful circumstances, I feel such pain for them. I pray a lot. I somewhat understand (as much as is possible) just how terrifying it must be. It makes me realize (in my brain) how lucky I am. The problem is, though, it often doesn't jolt me into really realizing in my heart that I am fortunate. It doesn't usually inspire gratefulness. Just sadness and fear.

Today, though, it finally did. God must finally have gotten through to me and finally beat into my head just how good I do have it.

It's just food. It's not a debilitating, fatal disease where I have to watch my child regress and eventually slip away. That just breaks my heart. And along with breaking my heart today, it finally replaced my guilt, fear, and self-absorption with gratefulness.

And for that, I'm truly thankful.

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